30.... ick. seriously?!?!?!?!

yea, so in about 65 days i turn 30.

im so not happy about this, i dont even have the words to describe it.

like, stupid shit...

ill have to check the 30-35 box.
im no longer "in my twenties"
im like an adult, for real (nevermind that ive been a mom since before i hit 20, or that ive owned a house for 4 years by myself thankyouverymuch, or that ive been in the same job for 9 years, or any of that other grown up shit)

i feel like i totally dont have shit together and that im totally not prepared to be THIRTY.

god, i can remember being my daughters age and thinking 30 was SO OLD.

guess what... that hasnt changed! LMAO just kidding.

but, jeeze.

ive accomplished quite a bit in my life, but i somehow, dont feel like ive done quite enough.

ive got 2 beautiful kids.
i fought their piece of shit father tooth and nail, legally, until i won and got whats best for them
i put myself through college as a single mom
i finished college and got an AS, BBA, and an MBA
i went BACK to school and am working on 2 post-grad certificates
ive been with the same company for 9 years and worked my way up from the lowest secretary on the payroll to being in charge of a whole lot of shit and even get to act as "president" when big man is incognito
i bought my own house, and its a nice house
i have KICK ASS friends
i think i have mostly been able to keep my kids stable and sane

i know most people dont get that much crap done in their 20's. especially not most single moms.

and i know, im being totally STUPID.

but, WTF. i cant seem to stop obsessing over the fact that ill be THIRTY. ugh.

maybe its NOT that... maybe its just that my oldest child is gonna be TEN. TEN. like a whole freakin decade old. i swear it was just yesterday i was ejecting her 9lb 3oz ass outta my netherregions.

gah.

ok, im done now ;)

funnier shit tomorrow. i hope. lol.

i think i can, i think i can, i think i can....

i know, i know, i sound like that annoying ass choo choo train (yes, im a grown ass woman that said choo choo train instead of just train. whats your point???).

but, seriously, i have to get it thru my thick skull one way or another.

i have to get off my ever expanding ass and work the fuck out again. i HAVE to.

june / july 2008 --- i was the smallest i had been in my life at about a buck 70. yea, i didnt even weigh that little in friggen high school.

somehow, flashback to NOW.... yea, fucking scale saying bad bad things to me.

so i had to destroy it with a large sledge hammer and lots of screaming and saying "LIIAAAARRRRRRR" but whatev.....

so seriously, last year, my dad had a heart attack. shortly after i happened to go in for a check up, BP happened to be high that day, went for bloodwork and ta-da find out i have high cholesterol. yea. thats right. i was 28.

so my doc tells me to start exercising, take my pill, and lose weight. tells me to eat 1000 cals a day. gives me basically a speeder to help me on my journey.

apparently the stars were aligned JUST SO back then, because i started working out that day, ate 1000 calories and dropped literally 25lbs in about a month.

i looked great, i felt great, life was good.

i have no fucking idea what happened. i cant put my finger on it.

but somehow, ive gone back to size 14/16. i look like shit, i feel like shit, and UGH. i cant seem to find the motivation to DO anything about it.

im even postponing my annual doctor trip because i dont wanna hear her bitch at me. cuz i KNOW IM WRONG.

wtf???

oh, and did i mention that my dad had another heart attack this year? (hes fine). and that while its opening HIS eyes to what he should do in life (he leaves on a 3 week cross country motorcycle tour next week! yay him!!!)..... im still all "meh, whatev. its not me".

yea, again i say WTF?????

so, i did get off my ass yesterday, though, and do a workout dvd. im hoping i can stick with it for 30 days. thats all im going for right now. its the 30 day shred dvd, and i wanna do the 30 days.

fuck, id be happy at this point if i can do 7. ive done 5 here and there, but i havent made it past that in God knows how long. so, hey, 7 days. then 7 more. right????

but, seriously, where can i find the damn motivation and determination to JUST DO IT??????? i know how good it feels, i know its something i need to do to ensure im here for my kids, i know all the common sense crap.

but how do i stop shutting that bitch up and listening to her??????

eeeeeeekkkkkk....... ok, its lunch time now... today im gonna try something different that i havent done in a year. im not going to eat. im going to go WALK on the bike trail instead of just sit in the parking lot watching them while i read a book and eat a big fat steak and cheese sub. YEA!!!!!

wish me luck ok?????????